hey blog.

my my, so much has transpired since my last visit.
(awful blogger award goes to meredith)
frankly, junior year is rough beyond belief and i have been legitimately struggling to survive it. i think i've been hit with every blow in the book. life is a constant battle, but i suppose that's just life.
i've also turned 17.
i feel so young and yet so old at the same time.
i swear i'm so much older on the inside.
i crave independence like nothing i've ever craved in my life.
and yet i'm not ready for this.
i'm not ready for life to get harder than it is right now, because to be honest i cry myself to sleep almost every night and i've grown accustomed to this constant ache in my soul.
i've allowed myself to be beaten and broken, to be drowned and to be suffocated.
i wake up every morning gasping for air, with a tear stained pillow and sweaty palms.
life scares me. it's scares the heck out of me. i'm scared of tomorrow, of next week, of next year...i'm scared of the pain it will bring.
because life hurts.
in the past week i've experienced yet another heartbreak. mainly my fault, i knew from the beginning he'd only hurt me, and wasn't surprised when he did. i just sat there, as he ignored me and flirted with another girl, with that dull ache in my chest and that sting behind my eyes, welcoming that familiar pain back into my life. it felt normal.
and that's life.
that constant battle.
that crying out of my heart to be rescued being muffled by the desire to keep the pain hidden.
because i don't want anyone's help.
i don't want to post this because i can just see now the texts and e-mails and phone calls i'll get about it.
when people confront me about what i'm going through or try to help me, it feels like i'm lying on an operation table, vulnerable and exposed, for them to pick and pry at whatever they want.
but here i am posting this, allowing myself to be hurt more by the words that will follow. go figure.

& that's all, i suppose.
all my love.